For a while, my wife tried to get me to see how being a man made people more inclined to pay attention. Pay attention more than per se if she or another "invisible" womxn was speaking on the topic. I didn't see it; I didn't believe it. What did it matter who was speaking the truth, except this was a bald-faced lie I had to unlearn and dismiss.
Before we get to where we need to be, let's attempt to illustrate what this looks like.
I think back to multiple times at races where I'd be doing my support thing. Helping Aye get the bottles, set up her trainer/rollers, pin bibs etc. She could be fully kitted warming up, and people would consistently walk up to me and ask when I was racing or how the race went. I'd always say I'm just here to support, and they'd walk away, occasionally asking her about herself. We're not even going to get started on people finding out she works on her bikes, and I'm not her mechanic…
I've gotten so many compliments while rolling her bike - while she is kitted and drenched in sweat, walking next to me. Is it that hard to fathom that the multiple miniature-sized bikes on our bike rack are not mine? Are we that oblivious to the many context clues?
I think back to the expos we've tabled at, how people who didn't know us would interact with me like it was my thing completely (despite all the images hanging with her FACE around the booth). The faces I'd get when I told people I'm here helping my wife and this whole booth is her baby, from her work and effort. The "best one" was when dude gasped, "wait, you work for your wife?"
"Yes," I responded immediately, I remember looking at him like what's wrong with you. I don't know if he expected me to be ashamed, I can't imagine what was in his head, but I felt sorry for him for having that attitude.
Like bruh, you wouldn't help and support your wife? Are your ego and masculinity that at risk?
So what's all this mean, yeah a few examples of primarily middle-age men ignoring my wife while upholding the toxic masculinity of the patriarchy. These examples, while only from specific cycling experiences, are visible in every other aspect of our lives. These moments are always happening for womxn whether you believe it or not, regardless of if you believe you're a "good guy." It's incredibly easy to gaslight womxn's voices despite them continually telling us what the issues are. I know at this point some of y'all are gonna get that voice inside "but what about me, I'm a dude and I've been wronged and I have been blah blah blah". This isn't about you, and while it's true that men can have hardships, the simple fact (and privilege) of our society upholding men regardless of our actual contribution must be deeply frustrating.
We can be praised for words taken right out of the mouths of womxn. It happens every day, sometimes right after said, womxn, spoke.
So what can be done to change this? I don't have the answers, but I do feel it starts with oneself. We can begin by expressing that we value our womxn as more than just beautiful things created for our pleasure and sometimes to bear our children. Acknowledging that we see them as capable, knowledgeable beings, as the leaders, they've consistently been often pushed to the background (because optics and what's acceptable, normalized). Understand that this is all independent of any attraction - or lack thereof.
I know plenty of men who have a problem with learning/accepting information from womxn. I've seen it while I worked at a bike shop in NYC for several years. I've seen guys straight up leave the shop because there was no way they'd let a woman work on their bike.
Every recurring issue I've had with a mechanic, it's been a dude who swore he was a magician and couldn't eliminate the issue. That's a big reason why I just stopped going to bike shops for a few years and stopped being too lazy to do it myself.
This isn't a new thing; We've just collectively neglected it for so long. The way society currently exists, when something doesn't serve us, we don't feel the need to "see" it or admit it warrants a change. A few pro-womxn posts, some brand recognition, and safe spaces/group rides aren't enough. Typically only white womxn are fortunate to reap these benefits. It's time we changed our attitude towards how we treat and accept womxn as a whole.
As it stands, we don't even trust them to be capable of governing their bodies, all the while men giving themselves pep talks to buy some tampons (oh the horrors!).
If you think uplifting and making womxn's lives easier is going to take anything away from you in any negative way, then maybe consider why that is (and that you're probably a POS)!
Here's a concise list of WOC for your consideration;
@rachel.olzer , @locsandbranches , @dev_rox , @cyclista_zine , @cleeeopatra , @salmonilla , @itwasginga , @kcross3 , @ladyvelo , @nativeplantbae
You should already be following the womxn of The Black Foxes too bruh!